


Another one shouldn't hurt , right?

by GenuineRevelations



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Other, Self-Harm, sorry for making tsumugi suffer, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:53:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28599519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenuineRevelations/pseuds/GenuineRevelations
Summary: Tsumugi always had a bad habit to cope with everything that was happening around him . He didn't even know why he kept doing this . Just to feel something? Just so he could have any kind of feeling within him again? His mind was going blank.One day when he went too far , and an unexpected old friend showed up.
Relationships: Aoba Tsumugi & Tenshouin Eichi, Aoba Tsumugi/Tenshouin Eichi
Kudos: 12





	Another one shouldn't hurt , right?

**Author's Note:**

> *** This is really triggering so if you're not okay with reading stuff like this please do not read this !!! :) Stay safe !! I love you <3***
> 
> This is so shitty I'm sorry I've been trying so hard to write again for months so hejhehej have this>:) I'm insane
> 
> ( I did 23 pulls on his featured scout and he didn't come home so now I have to make him suffer sorry)

Tsumugi knew that this was wrong . Something inside him felt wrong whenever he cut deep into his skin until blood beads showed. Trying to ignore those thoughts , he grabbed tissues and bandages to take care of himself again. ''What a loser'' , he probably said to himself . Not being able to do this properly was frustrating , but everytime he stops midway , wimping out . This guy's luck was really at its lowest. There were days when he idolized suicide , making plans about how he'd do it , but in the end nothing really happened. So he just resumes to harming himself like this , at least it made him feel something . Sometimes .

...Another day spent alone at the school library . Being part of the library comitee was tiring , but he felt happy knowing he was somehow of use. Plus , it was fun when Keito was around sometimes. But he had more work to do being in the student council .  
After finishing sorting out some books , Tsumugi had free time for himself . But being alone like this , with nothing to do , was only driving his mind to harmful thoughts all over again . Giving up to the thoughts , the boy started to search desperately through his school bag ,trying to find the cutter he usually uses for this . ''It's rather convenient , isn't it? And no one can bat an eye about it .. since I use it for unpacking the new books for the library too.''

The back of the library was the best place to do this , he thought. He could hear if someone suddenly came to the library for help , and would stop doing this. And no one saw him there too .  
Every step felt heavy , his head getting fuzzy . It was difficult to breathe. He did this so many times , so why is he feeling like this now ? Is it because he never did it in a public place like this ? What if someone saw him doing something so disgusting , and everyone found out what he does to himself almost every day? But somehow , these factors didn't stop Tsumugi from doing this . In fact , it only made him want to do it more.  
The last two library shelves were perfect for this . They were tall , and barely anyone went there . It made him feel a little bad , since the books from here were actually good , and no one bothered to read them .But no one could notice him here. He just had to make sure to not make any sounds or make a mess. But something like that wouldn't happen , right?  
After sitting on the cold floor , he looked at the cutter in his other hand with big eyes , and shivers going down his spine . He was really doing this . In a public place . He was the lowest of the low , but at least this was a method that could calm him down instantly. 

With trembling hands , he slowly rolled up the sleeves from his uniform , exposing his wounded wrists. There were lots of cuts , but not any of them were serious . The kind of cuts that fade in a month , maybe two? This made Tsumugi feel incapable again . Was he really that incapable of anything ?  
Thousands of thoughts flooded his head , his view wasn't clear anymore . Feeling more determined than usual , he moved the cutter to his wrists and decided to do something different this time , going deeper , more than just breaking the skin a bit.  
''H...haah.. t-t-this isn't how I ... hnngh..'' . He quickly found out that he couldn't do anything different , and as usual , he just broke the skin a little . A tiny blood bead was showing at the rear end of his cut.  
''T-this isn't.. enough at all ... why can't I do this ..I .. hhnn..''  
_''It's not like I matter . So it wouldn't be a big problem to go deeper , right?_ _There's no reason for me to stop like I usually do . I'm getting tired of that . Nothing bad happens If my veins get scratched just a bit on the inside . It's not -_

**I'M NOT OF ANY USE , RIGHT?  
WHAT IF I'M JUST ANNOYING TO THEM ?  
ONLY MAKING THEIR WORK WORSE ?  
AS AN USELESS IDOL , IT WON'T BE HARD TO REPLACE ME , RIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED WITH ME?  
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE A LIFE FULL OF BAD LUCK ?  
IS DYING SUCH A BIG DEAL LIKE EVERYONE SAYS?  
DOES NATSUME ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME ? AM I REALLY IMPORTANT FOR SWITCH ? AM I REALLY DOING THINGS HOW I SHOULD BE DOING THEM ? **  
**_DID EICHI EVER KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM ? DOES HE STILL REMEMBER ME ? AM I STILL -_ **  
_.. Another one shouldn't hurt , right?_

Tears dripping down his face , steamed glasses , Tsumugi was completely drowning into the sea of suicidal thoughts . He didn't have the time to notice that his blade went deeper than it usually does , and blood was dripping down his hands , and on his uniform. Although this was the biggest mess he ever made , he couldn't feel anything . Even with the biggest wound on his wrists , with blood dripping down on the floor at this point , he still couldn't feel anything .

_W..why ? If I do more than this , is something actually going to happen to me ? Why am I so disgusting ?_

And he kept going on . With another one . And another one .  
..And another one.  
Blood started to pool on the floor, and his wrists started to itch . So much blood felt cold on his bare skin , yet he still couldn't feel the pain from the wound . There was something definitely wrong with this boy. Because of his unclear thoughts , his unclear senses, he didn't notice that someone actually entered the library , and was staring at him for some secounds now .

No. This isn't real . This couldn't be happening right now.  
_No. That blonde person looking petrified at him isn't who he think he is , is it?_

Of course it was Eichi . Of course his luck was so bad that , what he was so afraid of , actually happened. Someone finding him in such a miserable state ... and Eichi , out of all people.

The blonde boy was shocked and didn't know how to react to a situation like this. As someone who faced death quite often because of his health problems , this actually scared him. Eichi had to sort some papers out for the student council , and the last ones were in the library . He didn't find the papers , but more than that , he didn't expect to find his old friend laying on the floor with blood all over the floor and cut wrists.  
_"This...This is bad."_

Suddenly , Tsumugi's senses came back and he could finally feel the burning pain from his wounded wrists. It was more than just the cold feeling of blood and itchiness. The pain hit him like a truck , and even worse, he made eye contact with Eichi. Both of them were just staring at each other , shocked , and not knowing what to do .  
_"N-n-no... this..E-Eichi??? I DIDN'T .. N-NO!! -"_  
When he tried to get up quickly to run away , it was like his legs didn't listen to him at all , and they became numb . The next thing Tsumugi felt was a loud ringing in his ears , and his vision blacked out.

─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

Tsumugi could feel a soft material underneath him , and a refreshing smell . _''Did I actually die from just that?''_ Well , unfortunately for him , he didn't die . Eichi just took him to the school infirmary . Even if it was empty , he knew just where the materials were . Eichi used to go to the school infirmary quite often because of his problems , so he already knows everything about this place.

 _''W..What happened ? Where is my-''  
''Don't worry . I took care of everything . You just fainted , that's all.'' _  
Well , it wasn't just that . Besides the fainting , his wrists were cut up,you know.  
_''I don't really know how to deal with ..stuff like this , but I took care of it how I could . And there's not many bandages left here.. but the bleeding stopped at least. ''  
'' B-Bleeding ?!? What do you m-'' _  
Maybe that fall hit his head way too hard , huh. Tsumugi forgot that , just some minutes ago , he cut his wrists in the school library until there was blood coming from his arms , and even worse , Eichi saw him . Eichi saw him in such a disgusting scenery . When his wrists started to sting , he looked at them and remembered everything that just happened . Left speechless , he was in shock and didn't know how to react or what to say to Eichi . He saw him like this . He actually saw him like this. Was this just one of his bad dreams ??  
Refusing to look Eichi in the eyes , he just stayed on the bed with his head down , facing his hands , just to avoid all possible eye-contact with him.

 _'' I'm not really good at this , so you should see a hospital soon . You lost a lot of blood.''  
'' ... ''  
'' My eyes are up here , you know. And I'm as confused and shocked as you are. ''  
'' ... P-please ... don't tell this to anyone... I'm .. you weren't supposed to see me like that... I-I swear that I-I-I just had an accident when opening a box y-you know!! You know h-how clumsy I get sometimes and-''  
'' I know you've been doing this for a long time , Tsumugi . Since our secound year . There's no reason to hide it now.'' _  
Tsumugi was left speechless again , but he could felt a sharp pain in his neck , tears starting to form at the corner of his eyes . Did...did Eichi actually know how disgusting he was this whole time ? He felt so ashamed , and started to hate himself even more. It's impossible that a person so special to him saw him like this and knew how sick and repulsive he was . Tsumugi wished he could control his urges more often , but it got so bad that it was basically impossible at this point .  
Eichi tried to get closely to him , but that only made Tsumugi flinch.

_''...Hey , Tsumugi . Tell me , is this because of me?''  
''....'' _

Deep down , Tsumugi knew that Eichi was one of the reasons he was doing this too. The one that left him with no feeling of pain , the one that hurt him so badly , was Eichi afterall . He couldn't wrap his head around it and accept it , but deep down he knew that it was because of him . It only escalated from there.

_'' Is it because of me ? Is it because someone else ? ''  
'' .. I'm fine now , you can go to class now. ''  
'' ...So you're still like this , huh . You always refused to open up . ''  
'' Listen , you can go to class , I-I can take care of things from here and-''  
'' I always hated this part of you . But doing stuff like this is really selfish , you know.''  
''...''  
'' I ... I always face death , and it's the most horrible thing a person could experience . I'm not sure if you would want that . And besides .. I ... I already feel guilty of a lot of things . But knowing that you could die one day because of me ..makes me feel terrible . That would be the biggest guilt I could ever feel .''  
'' T-This doesn't concern you at all. There's no reason to feel guilty about this , you shouldn't think about someone like me that way , you don't even care or remember what happened in the past ! I'm not someone so impo-''  
''Do you actually think I forgot what happened between us in the past ? That I think so .. low of you ? You were so important to me. We went through so many things together ... and you think I .. I forgot all that?''  
'' I-I'M TELLING YOU I'M FINE AND YOU SHOULD GO T-TO CLASS! T-T-THIS IS USSELES !'' _

At this point , Tsumugi started to cry uncontrollably , until his glasses were steamed again . So many feelings were coming back to him , but why ? Why now ?

 _''Tsumugi.''  
'' ... ''  
''Even if you think so low of yourself , I still have feelings for you . You were the first person that made me feel that way .. the're not going away so quickly . So next time ... maybe thing twice before doing something like this , okay?'' _  
Eichi got up , and slowly left the room , leaving Tsumugi in emotional shock .  
His tears couldn't stop , and his condition became even worse than before .

Deep down , Tsumugi knew that Eichi doesn't feel like that about him .  
He knew it was all a lie just to feel better about his own ego .  
Someone as disgusting as him couldn't experience love from another person. This was all a lie .

...All of these thoughts made Tsumugi think that he should try more harder next time , until he doesn't wake up at all.


End file.
